Complicated
It is so complicated when the one person she saw herself through does not exist anymore. She is so complicated because the one person whose perspective created this version of her no longer holds purpose. For many others, she is a convenience, but once, she was everything to someone. She was intelligent, kind, graceful, and to that extent perfect. That feeling will consume her. There is no breaking her from that feeling because it is wonderful. It is what structures her bones, pumps her blood, and warms her skin. That feeling is what wakes her up, pours her coffee, drives her car, sparks conversation, and keeps her busy. Her mind turns, her gears grind, and her thoughts twirl, like they are all synchronously dancing in her head, trying to pin the familiarity of recognizing herself. And as that haze sets on the shuttered windows of her bedroom, the suffocating feeling of being lost sets on her sternum. The feeling of recognition that used to fill her days, so delicate and innocent, now sits heavy on her chest to the point where she is left catching her breath.
To be so conflicted by one driven continual feeling is complex. To be her is so complex. She felt shallow and desolate when she spoke to the figures that filled every room. And yet, she felt passionate and consumed by some who fished her attention out of the pool of distraction that sat all the way in her toes. A familiar feeling. There is something enticing and claiming about being in a room full of people and knowing at least one person would understand her paradox. To one singular person, she may as well be everything. Even if she may never know that person or if she may cross their perpendicular path in a separate room, during a separate time, in a separate crowd of people. Just as she knows, she may never catch that faint feeling of recognition dancing in her mind. She knows deep within her that she means everything to someone, but she no longer knows who that person is to her. She knows it is her convenience to most people, and in that, she lacks complete consumption. When she goes home empty-handed and left unperplexed, she notices the comfort of the unprovoked complexity of loneliness. Left to question nothing and no one, she feels the pit of avoidance dig deeper into the corners of her diaphragm. Longing for a definition other than complex. Longing for a new definition of whatever this is. Longing for a new definition for herself. Not to be based on experience nor to base expectations on, but to understand her feelings for herself.
She asks herself, is there something that is indescribable about her to the surrounding world, or is there something about her that is indescribable to herself? Identifying herself has become obscure and unfamiliar. The pressure she puts on desiring to know herself and confidence haunts her. The lingering memory of what it meant not to hold complexity engrained in her relationship with herself. It only comes with recognizing that love is the dominating and consuming part of her identity. She loves with more than just her heart; she loves with her mind, thoughts, words, and actions; she loves with her presence and selfless identity. Her identity surrounds only her feelings, but the person who established those feelings no longer remains in her world. There is no longer a girl who can love blindly. As the dancing in her mind settles, the questions bloom: How does one establish familiarity with oneself? How will she embody the characteristics she displays? How will she learn herself from others’ perspectives?
Kind. As much as she loses, forgets, or mistakes, she understands the determination of kindness. It is not hard to make someone’s day. It is not hard to make sure there is still a smile. And once she found the people who deserve kindness more than anything, she realized that everyone is justified in the feeling of humanity.
Intelligent. Her mind is soft. She is constantly forming a thought or contextualizing meaning for herself. There is never a moment of boredom; while she may find herself still and silent, it does not diminish her contribution to others around her. She brings taste and contemplation to any discussion and encourages perspective to anyone she meets. She is quick to comprehend a situation or a feeling, and it is natural for her to find comfort in labeling the unknown.
Beautiful. The kind of beautiful you don’t read in books or see on the screen. The kind of beautiful you only understand once it hits you. She has eyes that sparkle to the point where you question the idea of color. A smile that will never stop talking and a voice that softens bones. Her beauty mark above her lip and the one that lies in the middle of her back mark her as unique and angelic. She is satisfying to see, hear, or think about. And she pleases every aspect of the five senses.
Comfortable. She brings tranquility to any room she walks in. She carries calmness with her and graciously hands it out to everyone who surrounds her. She is familiar to anyone she meets. She can feel herself slow down their heart rate just by holding their hand. She is comfortable with being the designer of comfortability to others.
Intimate. She is personal. She listens to the puny details and stores them in the back of her mind. She reads people like they are books and learns people like they are subjects in school. She spends time turning the thought of them over and over in her head. She remembers the things that may be insignificant, but she cherishes the things that matter most like they are works of art.
Accepting. There is no shaking her acceptance. There is nothing anyone can do to be neglected from her thoughts. She believes that every person she meets is valuable and holds purpose. There is nothing to her that is worth neglecting. Compassion fills her ears as she listens, and appreciation overflows her response.
Empathetic. Her empathy cultivates her and conducts her. What wraps her entirely in the life she lives and the people she loves. Her empathy is one of those things that radiates from her core reasoning and establishes her existence to others. Her experience is influenced by every single person she meets; her empathy solidifies anyone's influence and importance. She grows, and she learns from others. She leaves them with understanding and love.
Capable. Her ability. It is what defines her. What she is capable of doing is what she identifies with. She is capable of love, compassion, honesty, comprehension, and all of the other words she continuously searches for. Challenges unsettle her because she has skeptical awe of change, but that does not mean she ever fails to overcome them. She perseveres for what is deemed worth it, and she is learning the capability of stepping down when preservation holds higher value to her.
Warm. Her thoughts and words hug others. She brings warmth to every eye contact, every hug, every conversation. There is something calm about her that brings stillness to others, a sense of familiarity and care that milds the heart. The thought of her satisfies the mind of another, where there is a feeling of security.
Observant. What she doesn’t see and digest, or form an opinion on, are the things she doesn’t know, and she likes to know everything. There is something so reassuring about knowledge to her, even if it is just observing. The smallest details of the world around her are what satisfy the intersections of her mind. It is the things that she observes that make her so appealing to others, what makes her stand out in a crowd of people, and what gratifies her existence.
Eloquent. She speaks words that others still search for. Her thoughts are kind, and her voice is comfortable. Her feelings are complicated and overwhelming sometimes, but she blossoms with words to acknowledge her complexity. Her mind can tremble, but her words are steady. Her words paint a picture of who she is to others and notions of transparent elegance.
Honest. Her thoughts are ethical. Her words are truthful. She is an open book. Not lacking innocence or depth, she is thin with what is behind the scenes. If asked, there will be an answer. She sees no point in lying because that would diminish the purpose of the question or reasoning. It is not offputting, but it is foreign to most, and many seek the comfort of truth from her.
Wise. Her mind is grounded and confident. No matter how hard her heart pushes and shoves, she knows what is discerning, moral, and right. She absorbs the things that are offered to her senses, and she never forgets. The power of knowledge consumes her, and it brings her comfort to know what she can control and to be aware of what is out of her control. Her perspective brings balance.
Resilient. She has been stretched, bent, broken, and compromised. She has been objectified and shattered, but she humanizes herself and the world around her to the greatest extent. Her mind has been absent, and her heart has been invisible, but she has never been gone. She has never disappeared from what others recognize.
Dynamic. Her presence flows through the room, and she is multidimensional to the people around her. She always laughs when she surprises people with fun facts, characteristics, or mannerisms, even though she is never shocked when they react the way they do. She is used to it. She is used to being fascinating, alluring, and daunting all at once. It makes sense she is who she is. No one questions it. It is that she is dynamic, and her elastic presence catches people off guard.
Powerful. She is compelling to many. She can persuade, convince, and charm anyone she meets. She is powerful; with wisdom, reason, and comfort, she becomes enticing to most people she meets. Her determination and care carry her through most turmoil and away from discomfort. She never backs down or gives up because she acknowledges what she is fighting for. Her heart has more tenacity than most, seen as a blessing in disguise.
Clarifying. She talks so much yet brings such silence to the minds of others. She turns awkward silence to stillness and weary into comfort. Her presence is calming and ataractic, and she permits a feeling of clarity and certainty when she's gone. She is undeniably sound and amicable, providing purity to others.
Hope. She inspires hope within others and within herself. She resonates as a beacon of hope, a charm of faith, or a sparkle of optimistic belief that everything will be okay. Whether it is a reminder she will get through the day or an internal lecture that her life is not falling to pieces and the world very well is her oyster. She knows that hope and faith are nothing without someone to share them with, so she is determined to let her optimism wash over others. To be compared to a sunflower. Whether it is a reminder that they will get through the day or a lecture that their life is not falling to pieces and the world is indeed their oyster.
Worthy. She gives a lot away. She will not think twice about her altruistic compassion for others. She challenges herself to be a gift; in return, she must be a gift to herself. She deserves to learn, love, be loved, and be challenged. She deserves to feel her toes touch the grass, and she deserves to laugh. She deserves to feel calm and to be still. She deserves to be the world to someone who makes her feel fulfilled. She is worthy of everything she continues to offer to others. She deserves to be seen for everything she is. She brings peace of mind. She deserves a peaceful mind. She is worthy of hope as her value brings hope to others.
To embody the characteristics that others perceive as defining is complicated. She is complicated. It does not define value or worth, but it defines her ability. To be her is so complex, but she is capable. She is capable of compassion and empathy. She is capable of being intimate and warm. She is capable of small talk and being in love. She is capable of questioning others and understanding them. She has the ability to be observant and honest. She has the ability to persevere. She is beautiful, and all that comes to mind with every small detail in between. She is rare.
Rare. Something extraordinary, something that you only know once in a lifetime. She is unusual, unique, and, to some, unthinkable. Her capability to be all of these things is what makes her outstanding, and they are devoted to who she continues to be.
These words are what cultivate her understanding of herself and recognize her ability. She understands she was never perfect, but her extravagance was once seen. There will most likely never be a time when she will master her mind or security, and her thoughts will continue to dance in bewilderment. However, she will never feel uncomfortable in her own presence. She might be complicated, but she is one of a kind, and that is because she is more than just one word. It is so complicated that the one person she saw herself through does not exist anymore, but it is rare that a person grows and never changes their perspective on things. She is no longer the girl she once knew, but she is a girl who knows more than she did. People outgrow their perspectives, and she outgrew her own. To be rare and maybe a little complicated is wonderful. And to her, that means something.
