Acceptance Is More Than A Text

I once said, for loving someone as hard as he did is merely an impossible task to maintain. I never considered the two-way street I was writing into my life when I tried to put the circumstances into words.

“It was never a fair match for him, for loving someone as hard as he did is merely an impossible task to maintain when you don't love yourself”.

A task that has two lifelines, two steering wheels, four hands, and four pedals. No one person or singular individual can be at fault for a situation that stemmed from a choice made by two. It was never a fair match for her, for loving blindly is all she knows. For loving him was all she knew.

I want to text you but I can’t. I can’t decide if I want to tell you all the feelings I have felt for you or if I feel obliged to know your well-being is intact. I have gone to write the text and have formulated a hello, I want to check in with you, or I hope you are okay, but all I give myself in return is the delete button while I watch the words disappear from right to left on my phone screen, and all I give you is nothing.

I cannot admit that I am happy with my life, for I fear that I may regret it. I do not want to think that I may just be happy and that my happiness is not a phase. I cannot admit that the growth I was searching for is happening and changing too much of my life for me to comfortably accept. There is this feeling holding me back from acceptance of my growth, and that feeling stems from my conscious that I have given you nothing.

I fear a lack of purpose to others and I fear abandonment, but what I fear most is admitting this time and this place may be the space for me to acknowledge that I cannot hold on to everything the way I want. I must preserve what I do have left of you and I must hold it close, but I cannot base my life and functionality around it. I can preserve how beautiful you are, and how much your love is unique and incomparable to any other love. I can preserve the way you talk about things you are passionate about, and the way you would let me take care of you when you needed it. I must not dwell and I must not use you as a dictating mechanism for how I live my life. I must not cowardly hide from the fact that I don’t want to admit any of this.

The feeling has lingered where I know you have changed from being my whole world to being someone who lives in a different world than I. It is not fair to love you from a distance, because in contrast to our history that would be giving you nothing.

So out of love, for that is what obligates me to you. Hello, I am checking in to tell you that I hope you are okay. I now need to make efforts to stay afloat while this mass of growth and change washes over me like a wave. I am acknowledging that these circumstances are the cultivation of not just one person or a singular individual and that it is a two-way street. I am admitting that my happiness is not a phase or something that I should fear to accept, and I am admitting that the consequences of this chapter in my life may be different and foreign to me. I deserve to know and to be present with the fact that I am happy and for that, I hope I have given you something.