I Started Publishing

It is hard to come to terms with the idea that there is something so peaceful about falling out of love with someone who will forever have a piece of your soul, unconditionally and irrevocably. There is no threat of the unknown, you do not feel insecure about being left for something better, nor is there any hate. There is not a single cell in that person that you have not loved or adored, and there is nothing left to be learned about you. You were loved and you are the essence of perpetual love, even when it is just love for yourself. Stepping out of a relationship that hurt collectively if one of you was upset or was done wrong by the other. There is no resentment, or regret, just the emptiness of a familiar feeling, and that may truthfully be the hardest part. Knowing you have to fill that hole when you are fully conscious of the fact that you have already filled that spot, perfectly, with that person who is a part of you unconditionally. Losing someone you will always love is so much easier than losing someone you were chasing. There is only grieving, no hate or anger, there is no feeling directed or attached to anyone else; just grief, that is something you only can feel internally and for yourself. There is such peace knowing that the world won’t be moving so fast and your breath won’t be so shallow if you cross paths again. Because falling out of love with someone who has a piece of your soul unconditionally is really just adding another dimension to your own meaning of love. What you stand for, what you know, what you believe in, and how you will love anyone after. 

This is something I have to remind myself daily, for if we ever do finish our storybook of chapters I need to have confidence in that fact that we help cultivate one another. When I reflect on and write this love story I find myself sitting recklessly, shedding tears, and mourning someone who has not died. Hating you was never in the question, it is impossible for me to ever hate you. 

So let me tell you about how much loving you became practice. Let me tell you about two helpless and equally hopeful kids who fell in love. Soon you will need no explanation as to why I am so excited to tell you I published my writing like I said I would.  

It was never fair, to begin with, however, there was always such harmony and balance throughout the two years. As much chaos as there was between the two of them, themselves and the surrounding world believed their love was this small sanctuary of innocence. Their love was a safe haven for these two incredibly dynamic, strong, loving, and stubborn hearts. When I say chaos I mean many sillies to sad things. Harm was done, hearts were broken but in my eyes of course just damaged. As much as he wanted to claim the identity of being a broken soul, she would never let him for he helped mend so many damaged and wounded parts of her. No broken man could make her feel so whole. And no stronger women existed in his eyes. He was in love with the independence she carried, while she managed to love every part of him, even the parts that had never been loved before. The codependence these two had on each other was not out of desperation but out of enjoyment. Life was fun, but more fun when the other was around. Friends were cool, but they were not as cool as the friends they shared. Jokes were funny but as funny as the jokes that were followed by the other's laughs. Life was brighter with each other, it was no longer just color, but the colors of the world actually meant something. There is such a delicacy to being in love. A delicacy, in this case, that was slowly devoured by time. 

It was July of the year 2020 and two eighteen-year-olds found themselves consumed by a spontaneous and shockingly pleasant night together. Months into an international pandemic, both found themselves enjoying the company of someone their own age. Being an only child during the Coronavirus was no easy feat, but the rebellious two spent some time in most positively close contact. Driving around the county, watching the water shine brighter than the moon, listening to quiet music behind their chatter, sitting an awkward distance apart on the bench, and staying out so late that her well-known and well-loved 2006 Toyota Prius died. Maybe it was the known dislike for each other that had prevented any previous small talk, or maybe it was the pure infatuation they had for each other that night they aimlessly killed time together, somehow they found themselves enchanted until 02:30 am. I would like to believe the latter of those two scenarios, for this night began quite a rambunctious and wild two years to come. After falling victim to a burnt-out car battery, the parents had to meet that night in order to jump the vehicle and jump a love story straight into action. 

The two soon became inseparable and within a few days, they were having garage slumber parties and cold summer days on the beach of Northern California. After the humiliating first date where adults met in late night/early morning anger, the two had to date. Neither of them had really given the idea a second thought, there was no need for a label or attachment to the idea, but by August 1st they found themselves spending the evening on the balcony at a house party both deciding they wouldn't mind being the other's person. Ahhh, why do two years ago feel so far away? There is such irony to this, for it is July 5th, 2022 and the sun is starting to rise from my long night of reflecting and transcribing. While only two years ago on July 7th, she was arriving home from the night that would change her entire life just around sunrise. 

Anyways, let me carry on with the two kids who had just recently decided that they wanted to pursue a mutual love, fascination, and admiration together. Being in love and spending all the small passing hours of the day together was her favorite thing. She had never had someone who wanted to do so much with her. Do laundry, watch movies, hang out during virtual class days, take naps, make dinner, and go on small dates and excursions, it was all so new and exhilarating for her. As such an independent young woman, she found herself unexpectedly enjoying the company of someone she sought to be her best friend. This is such a long story for her, there is so much to tell, to shed, to forgive, and parts she wishes to forget. But, the hardest part for her is that she cannot relive all of these little moments, clips, and statements of love. 

In no place to find himself falling in love, there she was, the perfect combination that let nothing slip past his mind. He loved being supported, he loved having a buddy to do chores with, someone to take on adventures, and he loved that he had found a person he saw to be so intelligent and beautiful. There was such compassion he had for her and only her, like someone he had never even imagined. It was dangerous water that he was stepping into, falling for something that was so strong. He was being pulled out of such a bad place just by the power of inspiration she gave him. It was such a fairytale and neither of them had any clue about it. They simply enjoyed each other, there was such peace, compassion, and empathy when they were together. Defying all odds, bad timing, and the threatening world around them, falling in love had never felt so safe.

No matter the storm they were weathering, short visits during breaks at work made everything better. Sitting down on the dirty, sunbleached picnic benches in the parking lot was the highlight of any working day. Just ten minutes of catching up or waiting for the other until they got off. Simple gazing across the parking lot at each other during an eight-hour shift was not enough for them, they wanted to be next to one another all the time. There was no reason for them to not be in love all the time. All but for two reasons, two people who were in no way ready to match the pain of love. There was no falling fast with these two, they were well aware of how much was standing in their way. It was never a fair match for him, for loving someone as hard as he did is merely an impossible task to maintain when you don't love yourself. She never had a chance to keep herself sheltered from the inevitable love she had hopelessly denied for him. Both have never loved harder before, they were in for a ride of all the firsts and lasts that come with falling in love. 

An indecisive man, and a woman with the words of the meticulously designed female brain she always knew the perfect thing to say. Nothing was more comforting than her. She brought peace and stillness. She always found a way to slow his breathing, even if he was just sleeping. When he would have episodes or events that felt out of control, she quickly learned how to handle any situation. Her words were so simple, even if it made him mad or more upset it was only out of frustration that she was right. It was almost as though she had found a way to climb into his brain just to help him find words for his feelings. Although he was the most stubborn person she had ever met, she knew that her words were slowly getting to him. Something about him, even in his moments of chaos he still brought her peace. Maybe it was her inability to not observe every detail of a situation or her innate habit to balance any situation, but whatever it was she loved to be needed. There was something so important to her about it all, and it was being the one to help him. She loved the fact that she was the one to help him. There was nothing more fulfilling to her than knowing she had helped guide his heart and mind out of turmoil. 

Despite being young, self-sufficient, growing individuals there was such a dependency they had on one another. Not a secret was kept, and every detail of every day was shared, even the secrets that were not theirs to tell were told. Sharing was the highlight of their days. She would soon come to learn that was because she never wanted him to miss something good, she wanted him to be there for everything and anything. The fairytale of this love is all within the dependency they have on one another. She was his new muse, a motivation, a trill, a reason to smile, and a reason to make others smile. She had never come close to love like this ever before, it was a miracle she had finally found someone she would give up the world for until there was no world left to give. They were hopelessly meant for each other and it made so much sense. Everyone could see it and yet their love for each other kept them so humble toward each other. They were each other's weaknesses and strengths at the same, which was a habit they grew out of but never forgot. 

The pandemic dissipated, and college approached, but their love was stronger than ever and it was not going to be a fragile thing that stood in the way of their separate experiences in separate time zones. A sad and somewhat bearable truth was that the two had to love each other from such a distance in so many different ways. Soon discovered that distance proved that no other person nor space was comparable to the freedom that love provided. Nobody understood it but the two of them. This was a new world for them, new territory, and new boundaries, which ultimately caused hurt and damage they will fail to admit. Navigation is tricky for individuals who are still so in love, but a mutual understanding was built that both of them were feeling these heartthrobs and heartaches for the first time. The distance was diminished for they understood they were not truly alone. 

There was so much to navigate and nothing about it was easy. Being discouraged to feel love again from him, she also could not bear to live without him. All she wanted was to have him back, and no part of her wanted to drive her car down to Southern California again knowing she was leaving him behind.  

Her biggest fear of falling in love was not ending up heartbroken but letting someone affect some of the most valuable self-establishing years of her life. She quickly grew to learn during these months of separation that it is inevitable that the people around you will tamper with your growth, it is up to you who you let be an active member of this growth. There is a difference between affecting someone's individual growth versus dictating it. And while she loved him beyond compare she never wanted one another to be a dictator in the other's growth and self-establishing development. It is just as easy to lose yourself in your twenties as it is to find yourself as an individual, but something about this love was so pure and excluded from her own identity. The world was spinning around them and whispering words of worship to them. It was hard to find a genuine soul who did not adore the love these two had for each other. Even when they might have not perceived themselves to be at their best, no one else would bat an eyelash. The connection these two were nurturing was becoming indestructible the more they grew into their love. 

Despite the difficulties that life hands out, the relationship gives these two kids purpose. Any viewer in support or opposition can base their opinion on the fact that they nurtured one another and cultivated the place they sat in each other's lives. Learning about who you are and who you are with respect to another is such a scary yet beautiful thing. We all deserve love like this.

I remember when those two fell in love, I remember exactly where I was and who I was. I was her and I always will be. The girl who fell irrevocably in love with you. However, while my love for you may never change, other things do. Destined, like many stories, there is a point where you have to pause, maybe leaving on a cliffhanger or maybe taking time to catch your breath, ours was not just a breath but a thought as well. Inevitable or not, I will never feel like letting you go is something I want to do. I let you go because I need to. As surreal as life is without you I feel as though there is nothing pulling me in any direction other than forward, but you sit there in my mind as a thought that has been paused, can be replayed, and I can confidently say will be resumed. You are a piece of me, my mind, my heart, and my perception. But I now am no comparison to the girl who decided to love you those many years ago. 

It is not fair that letting go of something so special is so easy. We have separate lives, and we love our moments, just frustrated our moments don’t collide. This does not mean I cannot share important milestones with you, for I was so excited to let you read this. Being the right person at the wrong time does not make us doomed. I still love you. We both have so much life to live and as much as I would kill to guarantee the next ten years with you, there is so much I need to experience so I can tell you about it later. I have no fear in letting you live a new chapter without me, because I know every single thing about you. There is nothing unknown to me, I know about everything you’ve got. I know I am happy with you, and letting that simmer while I push myself in challenging ways is somewhat nerve-racking but also so comforting. Coming back to this when we have exhausted all other options, means that we got it right the first time, and it means we will always have something to talk about. Next time I see you, there will be something I don’t know about you and you’ll have to tell me all about it. It is only fair that my first publication is about my person, you consume the majority of my writing for you make life so fascinating.

Understanding that we are capable of living and loving without each other is something we have to practice, just to remember we choose to love each other.